Everytime I type one paragraph, I ensure that I keep copy and paste, I dont trust Blogspot anymore. Losing the post that you have typed for so long is totally unbearable, especially for the rusty blogger like me. Let's get this blog started... I have a turbulent year...a really really turbulent and a year full of changes that I cant even describe. Sometimes I wonder am I doing the right thing or am I losing myself? But I cant help it, I just felt truly happy, blessed and loved in a way that I have never felt before. I know, I know, it sounded so familiar to what has happened before in the past. I thought I was happy but in the end I just screwed things up. Yes, but just let me put into words my feelings right now, and see when will I be reading this again and laughing at myself or smiling at myself :P
I met this person, a colleague that I thought, hey quite good looking but oh well..too young. Who would want to hang out with an old woman like me right? And so I thought. Ok, initially, I didn’t realize much but I guess I really did make this person’s life in office a little less boring by keep messaging him and emailing him. He said I’m such a funny person that makes ppl laugh (oh really? hmm) but most probably I just like to make people around me laugh by pulling their legs :P hey that’s me..bing fire (which means sun that radiates warmth to people )
Whenever I said I’m hungry, food will be on my table. Whenever I’m bored, he will message me to cheer me up. I didn’t realize that he has become a part of my life till one day I noticed I cant stop messaging him in the morning, morning whatsapp msg to him has become my routine that I cant seem to miss. The best part is, I’m not the only one thinking that way. I’m not the kinda person that will think of people falling for me. Sometimes I’m just so dimmed that I don’t realize that people treats me well coz they have hidden agenda or merely liking me. When I told him that I’m down or hungry, he will get me a sundae from MCD. I still remembered I asked him to get me a bread from this bakery but upon realizing that I’m supposed to eating vegetarian on that day, I just asked him to ignore my order. Who will know this JY fella will actually get me a fruit tart instead. I was feeling so sweet from the bottom of my heart that I took a photo of that and posted in my fb all smiles till today! And who will be able to forget the times that he will buy me those green tea latte when I am being emo in office. Thanks JY, over and over again.
Oh yes, how can I forgot the photos that we took at the annual dinner. I was frantically waiting for him to come coz I cant wait to take a photo with him, well, god knows why. I kept messaging him while this fella is busy shopping with girls..ehem..The photos were so good (coz I looked so good in em :P ) and I cant stop taking photos with him, he looked so amazing that night, more like a gangster to me but hey I like that blazer look! I was totally killed that night
Ok, back to the main topic. From September to January, this guy has been there for me. Maybe not all the time at the beginning but somehow when I looked back at time chronologically, I felt that he has never left me alone. Haha maybe I think too much, he always said I think too much. Gradually, I begin to fall out of the then-current relationship. Blame it on me, I’m always to be blamed when it comes to this problem. I just felt that I don’t see this current person as the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know I’m being such a bitch for saying that, but who knows it more than me? Who will feel the pain more than myself? Who will bear the consequences if we didn’t work out in the end? All nagging doubts I have to handle them on my own.
Every Friday night, this JY will tell me his interesting outing with friends at club so and so. When I told him I hardly club, he doesn’t seem to believe it. Well, bringing me to club seems to be the hardest job ever I guess, being me having the so called Miss HK face (yea right! ) so they have to hide me at home. So whenever I heard him going to this club that club, I’m so keen in joining but always turned down by you-know-who. Side track a bit please. I did something really funny to JY, I introduced a girl to him that I thought will be suitable for him, since they are both Chinese ed. He was so nice the whole night that my friend actually begin to fall for him(at least I do think so).
Sometimes I wonder, am I really trying to set them up as a couple or am I actually using this opportunity to have a drink with him, to get to know him better? Haha…that doesn’t really matter anymore I guess the girl was telling me, this guy is really not bad! Actually I think the same way too, but I was already attached back then and I’m so much older than him, dare not think too much I guess.
I still remembered myself begging him to come to my bday celebration. Poor guy was waiting for my call and got hungry coz I asked him not to come for the dinner as I was afraid that he will be bored as this girl friend that I intro to him was not there. Little that I know he actually cares about me being there He lost his way for about an hour but in the end he came with smiling face, I didn’t realize that I was waiting for him to come that much that I felt so relieved when I see his face. Ok I should have realized that I have more than friendship with this guy back then huh? :P He drank a lot yet he was not drunk, I drank a bit and I puked on the feet of the guy that made me cry back then. I will never forget that, Alan :P JY told me that he took the guard’s bicycle and cycled to his car. Haha..damn emo :PPP
Again its another Friday. It seemed that we both are subconsciously waiting for Friday to come so that we might have some plan that we can think of. I boldly asked if he want to go for a drink with me at overtime. At first I thought he was reluctant, looking at his ambiguous reply to my emails/messages. But in the end we went and had a great time although he was not looking at me the whole night. I thought he was so bored that he was so quiet and didn’t talk much. I felt so bad, maybe he was thinking what am I doing with this 30 yr old when I can hang out with a 20 yr old. TMY oh TMY, what have you done?
One Friday nite, the gal that I intro to him asked if he wants to go to zouk, I was the one very interested actually but I acted cool like I don’t care. I tried my best to get the permission while JY was so geared up to fetch me..but well. Princess TMY needs to stay home, as per the majesty’s words. So there I am. Sitting at home, crying and turning off my hp coz I don’t want to see anyone’s msg or calls. I was so heartbroken, felt totally useless
Another Friday, I finally got my guts to follow him to go clubbing. Frankly I’m not the type that will go out with a guy friend to meet a bunch of his guy friends. I gave it a really long thought and I decided to give it a shot, knowing and hoping that he will not leave me alone with his friends. It was an awesome night I must say. He cared for me, made girls bring me to the dance floor, kept shouting for my name for no apparent reason (he was drunk I guess). Well although some not so good incident happened (someone groped my waist and use his willy to knock from the behind grrrrrr) but nevertheless it was cool. He was missing for a while, I was so worried that he will leave me alone and go off with that girl. Thank god he kept his promise and came back
After that night, I begin to realize his messages actually have many praises for me that I didn’t notice earlier. He said he didn’t understand why a gorgeous person like me locked myself at home or gym and always being unhappy. He has said many words to me that I have never heard before, he made me regain my self confidence that I have kept away for quite some time already. A week after that, we began to msg each other more often, more emails and I guess we both know where we were heading but we didn’t care. Well, I like his good treatments, who doesn’t like a caring guy?
One Friday, I told him I was having gastric. He went to get me the Maalox pills that I insisted he doesn’t need to get for me. He tricked me into believing that he has gastric as well. Haha …what in the world is this always hungry and always eating guy will ever have gastric…what am I thinking..tmy tmy.. I told him I thought of going out with him but I was afraid that he wont agree to me knowing him having so many activities every weekend. Then he told me sth that I will never forget, he said he wanted to ask me out when I passed the extra pills to his table but he asked himself not to get too drawn into this relationship that might not lead to anywhere at all. After a few msg, he agreed to go out with me to alexis, in which we both thought of that same place at the same time. Listening to jazz doesn’t seem to be his cup of tea I guess, but talking non stop has been my routine whenever I see him. Im not sure if he will think that I’m very annoying or stuff, but I just cant stop talking when I see him, till I have to stop myself from talking and make him talk, which never really work all the time :P
When the jazz bar closed at 2.30am, we were both so reluctant to part with each other’s presence that we decided to head to zouk again. This time we went in and the club was really full. I still remembered he once told me “This girl hugged me in the club, I missed the feelings of being hugged for far too long” Well, tmy is a planner, remember? Hence I have a good plan and the crowded club was really helping a lot. I kept pretending to knock on him and hugged him blaming it on the overcrowded club. Aww…its so sweet that I kept groping him without him noticing :PPP and at the end of it, I carefully summarized the night with a big and straightforward hug to him in the club. But again he thought I was just being pushed by someone into his arms..what a noob
He gave me his jacket when I was in the car, fearing that I might feel cold. I just noticed that he is not the type that is afraid of cold, why is he having a jacket in his car? Then I realized the jacket was for me always me. When I reached home, I asked if I can give him a hug, he told me “I’m afraid I will miss you even more if I hug you” I was like arhhh.. I don’t care, tmy must get things her way! :P i hugged him then let go reluctantly, as he doesn’t seem to be keen in hugging me We messaged each other till the next morning ard 7.30am coz we cant seem to forget what happened the night before. The feeling of first love? I don’t know..maybe
The next incident took place during undated time, I think it was a Saturday where he asked me out for a dinner nearby. When he sent me home, we didn’t want to part with each other. Its crazy coz we both know we cannot have anything more than friends yet we don’t want to leave each other. He ended up hugging me and kissing me. I was taken by surprise totally when he kissed me. I felt so embarrassed and weak on the knees when he did that. I have forgotten how it feels to kiss someone for quite sometime. It feels surreal but nice (quoted from Notting Hill)
We went for this movie together, Love starring Shu Qi and Zhao Wei. I lied my head on his shoulder and he held my hands. I know it sounded weird but we both just thought that was the most natural thing to do at that time.
My biggest concern will be our age gap. Yes yes, he has assured me a zillion times that no matter how old I am, I’m just a girl who needs a guy’s care and concern. I felt so sweet when he told me that he has told his family that he will be dating a girl older than him and he wont regret it. Who am I to deserve this good person, I always wonder. Is god really being nice to me or he is just giving me this person coz he is about to take me away? I have all nagging doubts and fears that scare me day in day out. I have been independent for far too long that I dare not request for my bf to send me from one place to another, as what my ex said “I’m training you to be independent.” I didn’t know I’m just a pet to him back then. When he offered to send me here and there, I felt so afraid to take his good intention. I don’t know when he will start to feel bored of sending me in out or when he will leave me and I will not be able to stand on my own again. Yes, pisces do think a lot. When he is being too nice to me, I’m afraid it wont last, I’m so afraid that I will lost all of them tmr. I can’t afford to lose a person again, I’m tired of searching high and low for another soul mate.
After being together as an item for 16days, I felt truly blessed and happy and thankful to god for bringing us together. I admit that Im flawed and so are you but we are both willing to make things work and we shall see if we can go from here to forever.
